The Silent Monster: Sleep Deprivation in Motherhood and What You Need To Know
Sleep.
Something I didn’t get enough of during my pregnancy (mostly because my growing belly made every position uncomfortable, and my back was always in pain.)
And then my newborn arrived…game over.
Did you know that babies don’t initially have a circadian rhythm? Infants need at least 16 hours of sleep, and they usually get this in increments throughout the entire day.
Between waking up every 2-3 hours to feed my baby and then going through the motions of pumping to increase my milk supply, sleep became one of those things that happened to other people. It became a luxury that I just didn’t have, and I truly believed that I would never get it again.
I somehow found myself believing that a decent night’s rest was wishful thinking, and I succumbed to this belief.
To my core, I thought that this was just how it would be.
Forever.
It’s sad to think back on those thoughts now — to remember the hopelessness and the anguish that clouded my postpartum.
And at the same time, it’s such a common story, so I need to tell it.
Being up in the middle of the night on a regular basis was....draining, to say the very least.
And incredibly lonely.
I grew easily and intensely angry, desperately wanting to get through the night without interruption. I was horrible to everyone during the day, snapping at my husband and not enjoying what was supposed to be some of the most blissful days of motherhood.
I felt I was no longer capable of being present in the moment. Not because I chose not to be, but because I was so physically exhausted, my body went on autopilot to save whatever sanity I had left.
Then one day — after my baby was cleared by her pediatrician to sleep through the night after gaining back her birth weight — my daughter slept 5 hours straight (admittedly, I accidentally slept through my pumping alarm.)
Maybe I felt guilty or angry with myself for a second. But it was the most sleep I had gotten in weeks, and boy did it make a difference.
I found that I was instantly more patient and in better spirits just by getting a few more hours of sleep. Truthfully, I was less depressed, frustrated, and resentful that day.
I was a better mom...
I was ashamed to admit this for a while — mostly because I kept hearing that this is just how it is with newborns (eye roll) — but I could no longer ignore the major difference between a rested me and my sleep-deprived self.
I was like two different people.
And I know that I’m not alone.
Sleep Deprivation and Mental Health
Studies show that mothers who have fractured, shorter sleep — averaging less than 6 hours a night —experience higher levels of stress.
And those who have higher levels of stress tend to require more time to be comfortable enough to fall asleep or have other sleep-related issues.
Let’s think about it this way:
When you don’t get enough sleep, you’re probably not going to be in the best of moods the next day.
So what happens when you go on for days like this? Maybe even weeks.
Everything that you’re feeling — anger, sadness, irritability — starts to compound.
You find yourself:
Arguing more with your partner
Easily irritated with every situation
Feeling like you can’t think clearly or problem-solve
Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope
Less likely to accurately describe your needs
Having memory problems
Research has shown that sleep deprivation can put women at higher risk of developing postpartum anxiety, depression, and other postnatal mood disorders.
Even when my daughter started to become more consistent in her habits and had long stretches of sleep at night, I still had trouble getting the rest I needed. I was constantly anxious and my racing thoughts kept me wide awake even though everyone else in my household was peacefully asleep.
It was one of the most frustrating experiences I’ve ever had. Why couldn’t I just sleep when I wanted and needed to sleep?!
Physical Effects of Sleep Deprivation
If you’re not sleeping well, you’re probably noticing some of the effects on your body already too.
Chronic sleep disruption can have numerous short and long-term effects on your physical health.
Heightened stress response
Memory issues
Weakened immunity
Low sex drive
Weight gain/weight loss - from overeating or not eating enough
High blood pressure
Gastrointestinal disorders
Dizziness
Muscle aches and pain
Mama, that’s a huge list of symptoms that you don’t need WHILE trying to take care of your little one(s).
It’s important to recognize the signs of sleep deprivation and when to prioritize our rest.
Now that we know just how much sleep deprivation can affect us, what can we do about it?
Let Things Go
This one is tough for all mamas. We want to be the superwoman around the house, at work, and in our relationships.
But just remember:
There’s only one of you. And you and your baby deserve the best version of yourself.
This means having YOU time and making room for self-care.
This means letting some things go that really aren’t that important right now.
It’s letting the house get a little messy (the laundry and dishes will get done).
It’s having that work project wait just a little bit longer (you just had a baby, people will understand).
It means getting takeout instead of preparing a meal for dinner (a meal delivery service or credit for takeout is a great baby shower gift!).
It’s about honoring our bodies and resting so that we can come back more refreshed than we were.
Let some things go, mama.
You are enough as you are.
Prioritize Sleep
While some circumstances are out of our control, especially in those first few weeks at home, sleep should be at the top of your priority list. Your sleep routine is just as important as your baby’s feeding routine because if either one is compromised, it can be dangerous — remember that next time you skip a 30-minute opportunity to rest because your house looks like a mess.
Mama, if you’re able to squeeze in a nap during the day, do it. allow yourself to rest.
Will this mean sleeping when baby sleeps?
Yes, it does.
Might this mean talking to your doctor and finding more tools that can work for you?
Yes, absolutely.
But you should never feel guilty about attending to your needs.
Schedule Breaks With Your Partner
This depends largely on your personal situation but working out a break/sleep schedule with your partner or any other support person may be one of the most helpful things for both of you.
When my daughter was a newborn, my husband would take care of her in the morning while I recovered from being up with her most of the night. It did help that she was bottle-fed, which allowed my husband to take up some of the feeding duties.
But it wasn’t always seamless.
We definitely had to find our rhythm, be open with our communication, and discover what truly worked for us.
Finding time to rest will look different for everyone.
But it will help.
When you finally start to create a new routine, one in which sleep is a core value and you can put that guilty voice aside, you’ll start to feel so much better.
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Mama, sleep is a major topic in motherhood. It’s one of those things that we absolutely need, yet it’s SO hard to get during those newborn days.
We sincerely hope you’re able to get more rest in ways that work best for you.
Just know this: you’re not alone in your exhausted state. We know where you are, and we’re here for you.
If you have any tips for sleep-deprived mamas out there, let us know in the comments below!