4 Steps To Help Set Boundaries In Motherhood
When your baby arrives, the excitement is palpable.
Friends and family will be itching to visit you and see the baby.
And when they do, your heart will be whole as you watch them lovingly embrace and welcome the cutest addition to your family.
But, as time passes, you’ll find that some things (or even people) start to feel…
Intrusive…
Disrespectful…
Violating…
...yet another thing that new or expectant mamas didn’t expect to have to deal with…
Feeling uncomfortable, violated, disrespected, and easily irritated are good indicators that your boundaries are being compromised. Unfortunately, people tend to test or overstep your boundaries more often than is realized. Before diving into four ways to help us create strong boundaries, let’s define what boundaries are and why they’re so important in motherhood.
What Are Boundaries?
According to Psychology Today, a boundary is defined as the space between you and another person. It’s the mental, physical and emotional limit(s) you put in place to help you feel safe and to determine how you allow yourself to be treated by others.
Boundaries protect YOU and your family’s time and well-being. There are six important types of boundaries to keep in mind:
1: Physical boundaries
2: Emotional boundaries
3: Intellectual boundaries
4: Sexual boundaries
5: Material boundaries
6: Time boundaries
Being a mama is challenging enough. We don’t need people pushing our limits in any of the above categories, too.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries help keep you healthy and happy. Boundaries help define what’s important to you and what makes you feel good. They also encourage you to protect yourself from people, places, and things that cause you distress.
Motherhood is a period of adjustment and intense transformation. The early days of motherhood are chaotic, and boundaries can be a way to take back some control, which can help us feel more comfortable and safe.
Setting boundaries…
Is about regaining control of your situation when everything in the outside world seems chaotic.
Is about honoring your experience as a mother and not letting comparison define what motherhood means to you.
Is about NOT letting others influence your thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
Now that we know what boundaries are and why they’re important, let’s talk about ways to help us create them.
1: Don’t let others define who you are as a mother.
Especially in life’s delicate moments, it’s important for those around you to respect your choices and your journey.
Judgment and unsolicited advice are major signs that you need to limit your time around the people that fill you with negative emotions (here you’re setting emotional and time boundaries).
It’ll feel like everyone has something to say about what you do — and what you don’t do — as a mom. You’ll discover the opinions you’re tired of hearing because all they do is fuel your insecurities as a mother. Sometimes, these judgments won’t even have to be vocalized as they’ll come in the form of disapproving looks from friends or strangers. Placing unwanted opinions or criticizing your method of parenting as “bad” or “wrong” are all examples of your intellectual boundaries being violated.
As if that wasn’t enough, social media can be a significant culprit in making you feel like you need to meet unrealistic expectations of motherhood.
You’ll be scrolling through Instagram or TikTok, looking at all the mamas who seem to have it all together. And you’re left wondering why your experience of motherhood isn’t matching up to their glamorized version.
It’s time to shut out all the noise. Deactivating your account or limiting your social media usage is a powerful emotional boundary you can set for yourself that can protect you from guilt, shame, and acts of comparison.
You are enough as you are. If you need a reminder, follow US on social media, or check out our favorite relatable motherhood accounts.
2: Don’t say “Yes” when you really mean “No.”
We often put other people’s needs above our own and end up doing the things we don’t want to do. In some extreme cases, the need to people-please causes us to sacrifice our own needs and sets us up to be taken advantage of.
It’s an admirable trait to want to make others around us happy, and it can also become a slippery slope if it becomes a detriment to our own health. The act of people-pleasing is often rooted in:
Wanting to avoid drama at all costs
Avoiding the feeling of disappointing others
Looking for approval
Wanting to feel like we’re needed
...these things usually happen subconsciously, and it isn’t your responsibility to appease the instinct all the time.
So when every cell in your body whispers “just say yes…”…
...To someone wanting to come over.
...To go to that meeting/get-together.
...To following advice from others that makes you truly uncomfortable.
Understand that it’s not only okay but also critical, for you to say no.
You are entirely in your power to choose who you want to be around and what priorities to focus on. Your space is precious and private.
Because this is your motherhood journey.
It may take some time as this is not an easy thing to do, but this is an integral part of creating a boundary that doesn’t compromise your mental and physical health.
3: Finish this sentence: “I am comfortable with ________, and/but not _______.
If you’re having trouble identifying what boundaries you need to have in place, finishing this sentence is an excellent place to start.
This is a way to begin small and gradually build effective limits s with your close relationships.
Saying these sentences aloud or writing them down is essential in clarifying what’s important to you.
Let’s take a look at three examples that are applicable in motherhood:
“I am comfortable with friends and family coming over for a couple of hours, and not all day.”
“I am comfortable with people offering me advice based on their own experiences, but not if it means they’ll judge me for not doing it their way.”
“I am comfortable with someone taking care of my child, but not if they won’t listen to my rules.”
4: Ask yourself: What would happen if this boundary wasn't in place?
Another way to establish boundaries is to ask yourself what the cost would be if you didn’t have this limitation.
How will it affect you in the long run?
How is it making you feel right now?
How will it affect your parenting decisions?
How frustrated and overwhelmed are you?
When you pull all these questions together and answer them truthfully, you’ll start to see just how much you’re sacrificing. You’ll see the actions that you consider intrusive and how they’re violating your time and zapping your energy.
Here’s an example:
The issue: You have someone coming over constantly for the company and some help with the baby.
The boundary being crossed: A few hours are okay, but they end up staying the whole day.
The problem we have when we don’t put a boundary in place: They won’t know that they’re doing something that’s starting to feel intrusive, and you feel depleted by having to split your time and energy between them and the baby. You start feeling resentful because there are some moments in early motherhood that are private. This can begin to impact your relationship with your loved one.
Understanding the consequences of not having a boundary in place is essential in knowing why the boundary is important in the first place.
—
Mama, we’re so honored that you’re here finding ways to heal.
Motherhood can be so tough. And so are you.
Can you believe it’s already the end of September? If you don’t already, follow us on Insta down below! We share the good, the bad, and the real side of motherhood.
And if you need extra support, a carefully guided path to recovery, we have your back.
Book your FREE consultation with us to start feeling better and thrive in motherhood the way you deserve to be.